2012,May

Good Sportsmanship

in Satire , by Jests&Jokes

At one point during a game, the baseball coach said to one of his young players, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?”

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

“Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?”

The little boy nodded yes.

“So,” the coach continued, “when a strike is called, or you’re out at first, you don’t argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?”

Again the little boy nodded.

“Good,” said the coach.

“Now go over there and explain it to your mother”

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2012,May

Last Request

in Satire , by Jests&Jokes

Father O’Grady was saying his goodbyes to the parishioners after his Sunday
morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.

“What’s bothering you so, dear?” inquired Father O’Grady.

“Oh, father, I’ve got terrible news.” Replied Mary.

“Well what is it, Mary?”

“Well, my husband, passed away last night, Father.”

“Oh, Mary” said the father, “that’s terrible. Tell me Mary, did he have any
last requests?”

“Well, yes he did father,” replied Mary.

“What did he ask, Mary?”

Mary replied, “He said, ‘Please, Mary, put down the gun…’”

 
2012,May

A Matter of Trust

in Adult , by Jests&Jokes

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, retire to his house for what is popularly termed a “nooner.” “Don’t worry,” he purrs. “My wife is out of town on a business trip, there’s no risk.”

As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, “We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control!”

“No problem,” her lover replies. “I’ll get my wife’s diaphragm.” After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. “That witch!” he exclaims. “She took it with her! I always knew she didn’t trust me!”

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2012,May

Lawyers and Lightbulbs

in Satire , by Jests&Jokes

Q:
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A:
Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “The Lawyer”, and the party of the second part, also known as “The Light Bulb”, do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumina- tion of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.

The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.

2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part (“Receptacle”), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.

3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part(“New Light Bulb”). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable.

NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as “The Firm”.

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2012,May

Modernizing the Church

in Satire , by Jests&Jokes

The elder priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, “I know you were reaching out to the young people when you had bucket seats put in to replace the first four pews. It worked. We got the front of the church filled first.”

The young priest nodded and the old one continued, “And, you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock ‘n roll gospel choir that packed us to the balcony.”

“So,” asked the young priest, “what’s the problem?” “Well,” said the elder priest, “I’m afraid you’ve gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.”

“But Father,” protested the young priest. “My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!”

“I know, my son, but the neon sign flashing ‘TOOT ‘N TELL OR GO TO HELL’ has to go.”

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2012,May

One Kiss Per Yard

in Satire , by Jests&Jokes

Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, “I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?”

“Only one kiss per yard, ” replied the smirking male clerk.

“That’s fine,” replied the girl. “I’ll take ten yards.”

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. “Grandpa will pay the bill,” she smiled

 
2012,May

Beware of Dog

in Situational , by Jests&Jokes

Upon entering a little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying, “DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!” posted on the glass door.

Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor near the cash register. He asked the store’s owner, “Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?”

“Yep,” the proprietor answered. “That’s him.”

The stranger couldn’t help being amused. “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me,” he chuckled. “Why in the world did you decide to post that sign?”

“Because,” the owner replied. “Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”

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2012,Apr

Seeing Nancy

in Adult, Satire , by Jests&Jokes

The Madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s. “Can I help you?” she asked.

“I want to see Nancy,” the man replied.

“Sir, Nancy is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer
someone else,” said the Madam.

“No. I must see Nancy” was the man’s reply.

Just then, Nancy appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a
visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred-dollar bills and gave them to Nancy and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again demanding to see Nancy. Nancy
explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row — too expensive — and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Nancy, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Nancy and they went upstairs. After their session, Nancy questioned the man. “No one has ever used me three nights in a row. Where are you from?” she asked.

The man replied, “Texas.”

“Really” she said. “I have family in Texas.”

“I know,” the man said. “Your father died and I am your sister’s attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance.”

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2012,Apr

Whale Song

in Parody , by Jests&Jokes

An expert on whales was telling friends about some of the unusual findings he had made. “For instance,” he said, “some whales can communicate at a distance of 300 miles.”

“What on earth would one whale say to another 300 miles away?” asked a sarcastic member of the group.

“I’m not absolutely sure,” answered the expert, “but it sounds something like this: ‘Heeeeeeey! Can you hear me nowwww!?!’

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2012,Apr

Hide and Seek

in Satire , by Jests&Jokes

One day, the phone rang, and a little boy answered.

“May I speak to your parents?”

“They’re busy.”

“Oh. Is anybody else there?”

“The police.”

“Can I speak to them?”

“They’re busy.”

“Oh. Is anybody else there?”

“The firemen.”

“Can I speak to them?”

“They’re busy.”

“So let me get this straight — your parents, the police, and the firemen are here, but they’re all busy? What are they doing?”

“Looking for me.”

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